This morning’s tips come from “Marriage Night 2019” and focuses on the importance of conflict when it is done right in your marriage…
Conflict is the price you pay for a deeper connection.
There are 3 types of fights:
- Good fights,
- Bad fights, and
- Dumb fights.
Pick wisely the ones you engage in.
THREE THINGS THAT CAUSE CONFLICT:
1. Perception
2. Gender Gap
3. Fight Type
PERCEPTION
So many of our conflicts are down to how we perceive something verses how the other person perceives something.
We can’t assume we are thinking the same way or seeing the same thing our spouse sees.
In the midst of a conflict, we have to get to the “Ohhhhh, I see moment”, where through conversation we are able to communicate to our spouse so we both see the same thing.
It can often feel like they don’t care because they haven’t seen it yet.
When a couple is having a conversation where there is a perceived threat or perceived neglect, conflict is always the result.
- Perceived Threat
The other person feels you are being critical, demanding, or controlling in the conflict - Perceived Neglect
The other person feels you are not tuned in, not being kind, or not mindful in the conflict.
GENDER GAP
Men and women also have different goals when they have conversations.
- Report Talk (Information)
The goal every man has in a conversation is to just get the information. He wants the report without the fluff. - Rapport Talk (Conversation)
The goal every woman has in a conversation is to engage in a window of opportunity to bond with the person they’re talking to.
FIGHT TYPE
We are all hardwired uniquely to manage conflict.
- How expressive are you?
Do you talk about meaningful things when they happen, or do you process and think about it internally instead? Expressive people will tell you if they’re having a problem. Non-expressive people won’t use their words, they’ll send clues or process everything internally. - How flexible are you?
Some of us are really flexible and others have a “best way” in our minds that everything should be done. Less flexible people have a strong agenda on how everything should be done. - Competitive Fighter (Lions)
You can be low on flexibility and high in expressiveness. You’ll risk a conflict for your agenda. - Collaborative Fighter (Otters)
You are high in expressiveness and high on flexibility. You need to talk about every thought that comes to mind, but you don’t have an agenda. You can talk to anyone and collaborate as long as they are engaged in the conversation. - Conciliatory Fighters (Retrievers)
You are high on flexibility and low on expressiveness. You don’t have conflict. You don’t express your thoughts, but you’re willing to be flexible before anyone knows you have another preference. You need to risk it when you genuinely have a preference and share that with others. - Cautious Fighters (Beaver)
You are low on flexibility and low on expressiveness. You only fight when you’re ready to fight. You have analyzed everything before you engage in a conflict.
HOW TO FIGHT
Be mindful of CORE when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse.
- Cooperation
If we win and our spouse loses, our marriage loses, so we still lose. - Ownership
You have to set your pride aside and see things from the other person’s perspective. If it’s your fault, you need to own it (even if your only wrongdoing is how you made your spouse feel during the conflict). Humble pie is a dessert that is never tasty, but it’s always important to show humility. - Respect
Offer the gift of grace to the person you are arguing with, even if you’re really angry. The opposite of respect is contempt, and contempt will destroy a relationship. Don’t belittle during the conflict. - Empathy
Ability to see the world from the other person’s perspective. When was the last time you intentionally put yourself in your partner’s shoes to see things from their perspective? Sympathy is throwing someone drowning a rescue device from the shore. Empathy is jumping in beside them to rescue them.
Which of these four is easiest to you? That’s the one you need to lean into during a fight. If you are sincere in that one element, you’ll be surprised that your spouse will begin to copy the trait you are showing during the conflict.
SHARING WITHHOLDS
Once a week practice “Sharing Withholds”.
Everyday there is information we withhold from our spouse (both positive and negative).
What happens with negative feelings that we bury? They have a high rate of resurrection and create time-bombs.
Additionally, seldom do we share the positive things we think about our spouse because we are so distracted by life.
Ask your spouse” Would you like to share withholds?”
Each of you write 2 positives and 1 negative from the last 48 hours. Take a few minutes to think about them. Then share those with each other (positive, negative, positive).
Simply respond to the positives shared with “Thank you”. Respond to the negatives with “Thank you”.
This is simply an exercise for sharing information.
After you have both shared the withholds for the next 30 minutes minimum, you just go on with life. If you need to circle back to discuss the negatives, do so. This helps you move from reacting to responding. Sometimes you don’t have to circle back, just move on.
Watch the full Marriage Night event by clicking here.