One of the best pieces of advice I learned working on our marriage was to “Share Withholdings”, or what I like to more affectionately call, “The Humble Sandwich Conversation”.
The concept is simple.
Every 48-hours, make time to reflect on two good things your spouse has done and one thing you may need to discuss of the more “serious nature”. Wrap the serious topic with humility in both concrete examples of good deeds and positive and sincere words of affirmation.
As you listen to your partner deliver his or her Humble Sandwich to you, you can only respond with the words “Thank you for sharing”. Then you have to ponder the thoughts for at least 30 minutes. If they’re worth discussing, get back together after you’ve pondered them in prayer. Otherwise, file them away and … move on!
The philosophy behind it is simple.
First, in a world full of negative pressure, it forces you to think about and share the positives you see your spouse do. Second, if you’re a withholder by nature, it forces you to also discuss the negative things weighing on your heart. Third, if you’re someone who may not yet realize how much you focus on the negative in others, it helps you develop humility. Finally, it ensures you have time to ponder information without simply responding emotionally.
The goal of the exercise is to change your focus in your relationship to the good, while opening a door for continual constructive feedback in a nurturing environment. The lesson applies to any relationship … your spouse, your friends, and your colleagues can all benefit from this routine.
Take a moment right now and think about the most critical person you know. The person who can always point out everything you do wrong. The person who has lists of bitterness. The person who is always seen as angry or with a negative attitude. The person you dread sitting across from in a meeting. The person who never has anything good to say.
My hunch is it didn’t take you long to picture someone.
In certain relationships, that toxic person might be you. In other relationships, you might be the one trying to pickup the aftermath from the cynical storm. Evaluate wisely. My hunch is wherever there’s a damaged relationship, un-shared withholdings or lack of humility are not far behind.
As a public relations professional, my job is often based around picking up pieces of negative and trying to help people find the positive in their place. No one is perfect. We are all sinners in a broken world trying to make it work. Humility affords us the opportunity to always look for the good in others. I can’t help but imagine how much easier my job would be if every person I spoke with who had a complaint wrapped it in a Humble Sandwich.
Heck, I can’t help but think how much better this world would be if we had to give two positives for every negative we were drawing attention to in a conversation.
I can’t help but think these things because I have already seen how much better my marriage is when we routinely practice this basic relationship skill. I sense tension when we stray from doing so because the negative pressure is designed to takeover when we don’t focus on the positive.
What we seek, we find.
**** Proverbs 11:27 ****
Whoever seeks good finds favor, but evil comes to one who searches for it.
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Seek the good in others, but don’t be afraid to also help them grow. If you’re not currently utilizing the Humble Sandwich Conversation in your relationships, I encourage you to start. You’ll be amazed overtime the power it has to turn your relationships around.