How’s Meg & Other Crazy Questions

I have officially decided the worst question anyone can ask me is, “How’s Meg?”. While I appreciate the genuine concern, the reality is there’s no real good answer.

“She’s still dying.”
“She’s still got an incurable lymphoma.”
“She’s energetic at times but not herself.”

Those are all the answers I want to give. They’re the truth. But no one wants to hear the truth. To be honest, I don’t want to face it.

Last night Meg officially stopped eating. It’s now been at least 38 hours since she’s taken a bite of food.

She woke me up at 2 a.m. with nausea. It took me 20 minutes to coax her into eating a cheese covered nausea med pill. Tonight I found the 3 shriveled treats I gave her last night at various places around the house. Broke my heart. My peace before the discovery was, “At least she’s still eating treats.”

The spots I missed from her nausea last night show blood in them. My heart breaks more. That’s a bad sign. Mix it with her lack of real energy, and I officially feel like a horrible mother.

I read online different foods to try. Apparently the chemo builds up in her system & everything takes on a metallic taste. I tried scrambled eggs & cheese. No luck. Brandon is going to bring home a jar of baby food. I read about one dog who would eat it…of course, he also ate the eggs & cheese. But at this point, I will try anything. I know she needs to eat.

Solving the food problem doesn’t solve the bigger question. Is it time to let her stop chemo? I think the answer is a resounding yes.

Selfish emotions beg me not to give up. But a part of me relates to her. Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. The solution was an RX for Metformin. I have spent everyday of the last 3 weeks nauseous and dizzy and miserable. It’s not a quality of life, but it’s the only hope I have right now of maybe a chance at having kids. Even on it, the doctor said my chances only increase by maybe 10%.

That’s the second most horrible question. “When are you & Brandon going to have kids?”

Again, no one wants to hear, “We probably can’t, but I am making myself miserable on medications trying.” 🙂

Meg has been my kid for 28 months. Watching her, I know she’s in pain. We’ll be calling the vet in the morning.

Once we stop chemo, her time is very limited. From the get go our debate has been quality over quantity. This isn’t quality. And there will never be enough of the quantity because I can’t picture life without her.

It’s been a rough day. Trying to stay positive is tough when your heart aches.

So to those of you who read this, my eternal answer to the “How’s Meg?” question is “Loved.” Please stop asking. I am glad you care, but I don’t want to talk about it.

And to the baby question…please stop asking. It only depresses me to know that since March of this year my body has decided to stop releasing eggs & while I know you mean well, I want a baby just as much as you all want us to have one. But right now, powers mightier than I feel otherwise.

So for now, I will continue going through the motions of life. Asking, “Why?” doesn’t provide an answer. So I am moving onto acceptance. Easier said than done!

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Comments

  1. Hey sweetie.

    I am sorry life sucks right now. You are so good with words that i find it hard to try and give them back. All i can say is that you will go on. in all our years of marriage we have had to put down two dogs. lindy can’t do it so it was always the strong one. It is very hard and feel for you and brandon. BUT you know when it is time. She was loved and lucky to have you. I know another dog doesn’t seem possible but again, from experience you will love again. We have two great dogs now. One is the same breed as before and one is a mutt. great dogs, great joy. i promise you will love again.

    as far as the not being able for children. i didn’t know that. we conceived alex easily, and had trouble with tyler. god will take care of you and brandon. you have not even been married a year….. relax ok. we all love you!!!

    so i will not ask the two questions until YOU tell me it is ok. i will ask instead how is work? how is the house coming? How would you like to go eat sometime?

    I love you and would do anything for you so just call my name 903 826 5268

    audrey

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