As I read the second lesson in “The Search for Significance” by Robert S. McGee, the part about how parents influence their children’s beliefs in God hit home stronger than anything else. McGee writes, “Our self-esteem and view of God are usually a mirror of our parents’ attitudes toward us. Those who are loved and affirmed by their parents tend to have a fairly healthy self-concept and usually find it easy to believe that God is loving and powerful.”
He also talked about four false beliefs that can shape our understanding of worth and identity:
- The false belief that I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.
- The false belief that I must be approved by certain people to feel good about myself.
- The false belief that those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve punishment.
- The false belief that I am what I am – I cannot change.
As I reflected on both his insights about parental influence and about these false beliefs, I considered ways I can do better as a parent. I thought these reflections might help others…
Part 1: What We Are Doing Wrong
As parents, we often pass down more than our genetic traits to our children. Without realizing it, many of us transmit deeply-rooted false beliefs that can shape our children’s understanding of worth, acceptance, and identity about who they are and what they believe. These beliefs create patterns that follow them into adulthood, affecting their relationships, self-image, and spiritual journey.
False Belief #1: Performance Determines Worth
“My child earned straight As this semester! We’re so proud!”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister? She never gives us this much trouble.”
“No child of mine is going to be average.”
When we consistently praise achievement rather than effort, or show disappointment when expectations aren’t met, we teach our children that their value is tied to performance. The Bible reminds us of a different truth in Ephesians 2:8-9: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”
False Belief #2: Approval From Others Equals Acceptance
“What will people think if you dress like that?”
“I don’t care if everyone else is going. We have standards in this family.”
“Don’t embarrass me in front of the neighbors.”
These statements may seem protective, but they teach children that acceptance hinges on others’ opinions. They learn to seek validation externally rather than developing an internal compass. Yet Scripture tells us in Galatians 1:10: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
False Belief #3: Punishment Follows Failure
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
“I’m so disappointed in you. I thought you were better than this.”
“This is going to cost you big time.”
When consequences feel like punishment rather than discipline, children internalize that failure deserves condemnation. This creates fear-based decision-making and difficulty accepting grace. Yet Romans 8:1 assures us: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
False Belief #4: Identity Is Fixed By Past Actions
“You’ve always been the difficult one.”
“She’s just shy; she’s been that way since birth.”
“Once a liar, always a liar.”
When we label our children based on behavior patterns, we teach them that their identity is determined by their past rather than their potential for growth and transformation. This contradicts the promise in 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Part 2: Why We Lose
These false beliefs create two problematic outcomes in our children:
Outcome #1: The Performance-Driven Child
Children raised with these beliefs often become adults who are either perfectionistic rule-followers or rebellious rule-breakers—but both are still defined by the rules.
The performance-driven child appears successful on the outside. They follow instructions, achieve goals, and meet expectations. They might even excel in school, sports, or social situations. But internally, they’re motivated by fear rather than love. They believe they must earn acceptance through achievement, and their sense of worth fluctuates with their performance.
Proverbs 29:25 warns about this trap: “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.”
Outcome #2: The Disillusioned Child
Other children eventually recognize the impossible standards set before them and abandon effort altogether. They see the hypocrisy when parents claim unconditional love but demonstrate disappointment when expectations aren’t met.
These children may rebel outwardly or simply disconnect emotionally. They learn that authentic vulnerability is unsafe, so they hide their true selves. They might think, “If I can never be good enough, why try at all?”
Colossians 3:21 cautions against this: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
Part 3: What We Should Be Teaching
How can we break this cycle and raise children who understand their true worth? By replacing false beliefs with biblical truth:
Truth #1: Worth Is Inherent, Not Earned
Instead of tying acceptance to performance, we can teach our children that their worth comes from being created in God’s image. When we celebrate effort rather than just results, and offer the same warmth after failures as after successes, we demonstrate unconditional love.
Psalm 139:13-14 affirms this: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Truth #2: God’s Approval Matters Most
Rather than teaching children to fear others’ judgments, we can help them develop a strong inner compass guided by God’s truth. When we make decisions based on principle rather than popularity, we model integrity.
1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us: “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
Truth #3: Grace Follows Failure
Discipline is necessary, but it should be redemptive rather than punitive. When we respond to mistakes with guidance rather than shame, children learn that failure is an opportunity for growth, not a reason for rejection.
Lamentations 3:22-23 offers this hope: “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Truth #4: Transformation Is Always Possible
Instead of labeling our children based on past behavior, we can speak to their potential. When we notice and affirm positive changes, children understand they are not defined by their mistakes.
Isaiah 43:19 promises: “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
When we parent from these truths, we create an environment where children can thrive—not because they’ve earned it, but because they’re loved. They learn that mistakes are part of growth, not evidence of unworthiness. They discover their identity comes from God, not from achievement or others’ opinions.
This transition from performance-based worth to grace-based worth isn’t easy. It requires us to examine our own beliefs and confront the ways we’ve been shaped by these same false messages. But as we align our parenting with God’s truth, we offer our children something far more valuable than perfect behavior—we offer them freedom.
Let’s raise children who know they are loved not for what they do, but for who they are—beloved children of God, worthy of love simply because they exist.
