Today we’re talking about something that’s been weighing heavily on my heart lately – how adults sometimes shame kids in group settings, and why we desperately need to stop. As a mom, I’ve seen firsthand how devastating shame-based discipline can be for our kids.
Let me share a story that recently broke my heart. A mom friend’s daughter – let’s call her Emma – came home upset after her youth group meeting. The program director had come into the room and threatened to move ALL the kids to the “baby room” if they couldn’t behave better. Now, Emma is one of those kids who always follows the rules. She’s often been praised by the class leaders for her behavior when others are often causing mayhem. Yet there she was, feeling ashamed and confused about why she was being lumped in with the kids who were actually misbehaving.
This got me thinking about how often we use shame as a quick fix for behavior problems, without realizing the lasting damage it can cause. And you know what? The research backs this up! Studies show that by age two (yes, TWO!), our kiddos can experience shame (Monroe, 2009).
The Gymnastics Class
Here’s another story that’ll make your mama heart hurt. I enrolled my 4-year-old daughter in a gymnastics class. The class was oversold, so they convinced us to move our daughter up to the next class. They convinced us she was “advanced for her age”. Big mistake! Instead of recognizing that this little one was doing her best in a class that wasn’t age-appropriate, the instructor kept threatening to send her back to the “baby class” whenever she couldn’t keep up or focus on the same level.
You can probably guess what happened next. Within weeks, our previously enthusiastic little gymnast wanted nothing to do with gymnastics. When they finally switched her back to the appropriate age group, the damage was already done. She quit at the end of the semester and hasn’t wanted to try gymnastics since.
Why Shame Hits Different Than Other Emotions
Okay, let’s break this down in a way that makes sense (because honestly, sometimes all these emotions can feel like one big mom-guilt soup!). Here’s the difference between shame and other feelings our kids experience:
Shame is like a full-body “I’m a bad person” feeling
Guilt is more like “I did something bad” (and that’s actually not always terrible!).
Embarrassment is that “Oops, that was awkward” feeling that passes quickly
Humiliation is when someone treats you badly, but you know they’re wrong
The big difference? Shame makes our kids want to disappear. Guilt can actually motivate them to make things right. See why this matters so much?
The Real Impact on Our Kids
Let’s get real about what shame does to our little ones:
Emotional Impact
As parents, we often don’t realize just how deeply shame can wound our kids’ hearts. As Monroe points out in her 2009 research, shame “encompasses the whole of ourselves; it generates a wish to hide, to disappear, or even to die” – pretty heavy stuff for our little ones to handle! When kids experience shame, it doesn’t just make them feel bad in the moment; it can crush their self-esteem, make them anxious about trying new things, and even lead to depression. What’s even worse is that shame can break the trust between kids and adults, making them less likely to come to us when they really need help.
Social Impact
Watching your child withdraw from friends and activities is one of the hardest things we face as parents, and shame can be a huge trigger for this social shutdown. According to researchers Goodman and Cook, shame is particularly destructive because it “shrinks the self and immobilizes action” – imagine your normally outgoing kiddo suddenly becoming the one who hangs back and stops raising their hand! Children who’ve been shamed in group settings may start avoiding activities they once loved and become hesitant to make new friends, creating a ripple effect that can impact their social development for years to come.
Learning Impact
Our kids are born with an amazing sense of curiosity and wonder, but shame in learning environments can stomp out that natural spark faster than you can say “homework.” As Monroe’s research reveals, when children see themselves as deficient or having failed in some way, they experience a sense of shame that can actually shut down their willingness to participate and learn. It turns previously enthusiastic learners into kids who are afraid to raise their hands or ask questions, worried they might be called out or embarrassed in front of their peers. The worst part? This fear of shame doesn’t just affect their grades – it can make them completely check out from activities they once loved, creating a cycle that’s super hard to break.
What We Can Do Instead (Because We Need Solutions, Right?)
Here’s where it gets good! Instead of using shame, try these positive approaches (and yes, they actually work!):
Clear Expectations (Because Kids Aren’t Mind Readers!)
Let’s be real – our kiddos can’t follow rules they don’t understand or even know exist! Research shows that children thrive when we take time to explain not just WHAT we expect, but WHY these expectations matter, using words that make sense to them at their age level. Listen, I know staying consistent with rules feels like trying to nail jello to a wall sometimes, but when we manage to do it (even imperfectly!), our kids feel so much more secure and capable.
One-on-One Attention
Here’s something that changed my whole approach to discipline: pulling a child aside for a private chat instead of calling them out in front of everyone. Monroe’s research shows that public corrections can trigger shame, while private conversations help maintain a child’s dignity and keep their self-esteem intact. Remember, we want to focus on the specific action that needs changing – like “let’s talk about keeping our hands to ourselves” instead of “why are you always causing trouble?”
Positive Reinforcement (Because It Works!)
Y’all, catch your kids being good – it’s like magic for building better behavior! Instead of waiting for perfect performance, celebrate those baby steps of progress, like when your little one remembers to hang up their backpack without being asked (even if their room still looks like a tornado hit it). Research shows that focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses helps build confidence and motivates kids to keep trying their best.
Problem-Solving Together
Want to know the secret sauce of effective discipline? It’s turning behavior challenges into brainstorming sessions with your kids! Instead of jumping straight to consequences when things go wrong, try asking questions like “What do you think happened here?” and “What could we do differently next time?” This approach not only helps solve the immediate issue but teaches kids valuable problem-solving skills they’ll use for life.
Real Talk: How to Handle Common Situations
Let’s get practical! Here’s how to handle those tricky situations without shaming:
When They’re Being Disruptive
Instead of: “Why can’t you behave like everyone else?”
Try: “Let’s step aside and talk about what’s bothering you.”
When They’re Not Finishing Work
Instead of: “Everyone else is done, what’s wrong with you?”
Try: “What part are you finding challenging? Let’s figure it out together.”
When There’s Drama with Friends
Instead of: “Stop being such a baby!”
Try: “It seems like you’re having strong feelings about this. Let’s talk about it.”
Leading with Grace: A Faith-Based Approach to Discipline
When we look at discipline through the lens of faith, Scripture provides clear guidance about nurturing children’s hearts while correcting their behavior. Ephesians 6:4 speaks directly to this balance, instructing “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This wisdom reminds us that while correction is necessary, our methods matter deeply.
Think about how differently children respond to shame versus grace-filled correction. When we announce to a group “If you’re going to act like babies, you’ll be treated like babies,” we risk creating exactly what Colossians 3:21 warns against: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Children who become embittered may follow rules outwardly while their hearts grow distant from both their leaders and their faith.
Instead, we can look to Proverbs 15:1 which tells us that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” This plays out practically when we:
- Offer grace-filled correction: “I know you can do better because I see your heart”
- Use private conversations instead of public correction
- Focus on restoration rather than punishment
- Help children understand the impact of their choices
- Provide opportunities for growth and redemption
- Speak with gentleness even during correction
- Affirm their worth while addressing behavior
The goal isn’t just to change behavior – it’s to guide hearts. Just as Jesus extends grace and patience to us as we grow, we can extend that same grace to the children in our care, creating an environment where they feel safe to learn, grow, and yes, even make mistakes along the way.
This approach requires more time and patience, but it aligns with Biblical principles of nurturing rather than provoking, encouraging rather than embittering, and speaking truth with gentleness rather than harshness. When we replace shame with grace, we’re not just managing behavior – we’re nurturing souls in a way that reflects God’s patient guidance of us.
Every interaction with a child is an opportunity to demonstrate loving guidance. While immediate compliance might come through shame, true heart transformation comes through grace-filled correction that preserves dignity while encouraging growth.
Think about that moment when a child needs correction. Instead of announcing their failures to the group, we can pull them aside and say, “I see you struggling with this. Let’s talk about what’s happening and find a better way together.” This approach honors both the Biblical principles of gentle correction and the child’s inherent worth as one of God’s creations.
Tips for Other Parents and Group Leaders
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, coach, or group leader, here’s what you can do:
1. Check your own triggers (because we all have them!)
Those moments when we get super triggered (like when kids interrupt for the 47th time!) are exactly when we’re most likely to resort to shaming. Take a deep breath and remember your own childhood moments of feeling shame – it can help you pause before reacting.
Done Right: “I notice I’m feeling frustrated. Let’s take a quick break and then talk about what’s happening.”
Done Wrong: “Why can’t you just be quiet like everyone else? What’s wrong with you?”
2. Practice Using Positive Language
The words we choose can either build a bridge or create a wall between us and our kiddos. Instead of pointing out what they’re doing wrong, try describing what you’d like to see.
Done Right: “I see you’re excited! Walking feet in the hallway help keep everyone safe.”
Done Wrong: “Stop running around like a wild animal! You’re acting like a baby!”
3. Remember Every Child Develops Differently
Just like some kids walk at 9 months and others at 15 months, social and emotional skills develop at different paces too. Comparing kids to their peers or siblings is a recipe for shame.
Done Right: “I see you’re working hard on sitting still. What would help make this easier?”
Done Wrong: “Look at everyone else sitting perfectly. Why can’t you do that?”
4. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
Instead of expecting mistake-free performance, celebrate those small wins and baby steps toward better behavior. Your enthusiasm for their efforts will motivate more progress than criticism ever could.
Done Right:* “You remembered three out of five items on your checklist! That’s better than yesterday!”
Done Wrong: “You forgot two things again. You never get it completely right.”
5. Build Kids Up Instead of Tearing Down
Our words have the power to shape how kids see themselves, so make those words count! Look for opportunities to acknowledge effort, kindness, and growth.
Done Right:* “I noticed how hard you worked to solve that problem. Your persistence is impressive!”
Done Wrong: “If you’d just try harder like your sister, you wouldn’t keep failing.”
The Bottom Line
Shame doesn’t work. It doesn’t make our kids behave better, and it definitely doesn’t help them grow into confident, capable adults. What works is connection, understanding, and positive guidance.
Remember: We’re raising future adults, not just managing current behavior. Every interaction is a chance to build them up or tear them down. Let’s choose wisely!
What are your thoughts on shame-based discipline? Have you seen it in action? Share your experiences in the comments below!
References:
Monroe, A. (2009). Shame solutions: How shame impacts school-aged children and what teachers can do to help. The Educational Forum, 73, 58-66.
Goodman, J. F., & Cook, B. I. (2019). Shaming school children: A violation of fundamental rights? Theory and Research in Education, 17(1), 1-20.