Ever been stuck in the middle of a conflict between two friends, family members, or coworkers, and you found yourself at a loss for the right guidance to share with them? Worse yet, ever been the one personally responsible for, or entangled in, a conflict with another person?
We all have.
Pride is often the toughest part of navigating conflict resolution. Getting to a point of humility means we have to recognize we are all sinners (Romans 3:23) called above everything else to love one another (Matthew 22:36-40).
When we think about the second greatest commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” it’s easy to picture how we should love someone. We all want to feel loved, be shown grace, and be extended forgiveness. But asking us to do the same for others, especially when the hurt is still raw, can be tough.
As Christians, the World should look at us and see Christ in everything we do. Our actions should glorify God. God is never glorified by our sinful actions. So how can we glorify God in the middle of conflict?
STEP 1: DON’T HARBOR ANGER
Ephesians 4:26 NIV “‘In your anger do not sin:’ Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Instead of addressing conflict head on, many people choose to let it fester for days, weeks, months, and years. The Bible is very clear. It is a sin to harbor anger. Address it quickly so you can reconcile the situation. Most of the time, the person we harbor anger against isn’t even aware of the anger. Anger is often rooted in pride and the inability to forgive the transgressions of others.
STEP 2: REPEATEDLY FORGIVE
Matthew 18:20-22 NIV, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”
Ever found yourself in a similar situation as Peter? Someone hurt you and apologized, only to hurt you again in a similar fashion a week later. Maybe you forgave them the second time, but then a few days later they hurt you again and you were D.O.N.E. with them. In your eyes, they were no longer worthy of your time, affection, or relationship. Praise God He doesn’t treat us in the same fashion.
Here’s something you may not have pondered. What if God put that person in your path for a reason? Maybe God’s plans were to use you to help make that person holier. Maybe God’s plans were to use that person to help make you holier. Instead of growth, you opted for abandonment.
STEP 3: SEEK GOD’S APPROVAL
Galatians 1:10 NIV, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Conflict often arises when we are pursuing our own glory instead of seeking to honor Jesus. Many conflicts stem from someone feeling under appreciated or misunderstood because their well meaning, people pleasing, actions steered them in the wrong direction, and they ended up receiving criticism for what they didn’t do instead of praise for what they did do.
Studies have shown repeatedly that the average person needs praise every seven days but rarely receives it. If you find yourself in the middle of a conflict where praise wasn’t given, try to remind the hurt party that God designed us to praise Him, not to be the objects of praise.
STEP 4: OWN YOUR FAULT IN THE SITUATION
Matthew 7:3-5 “‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?’ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.’”
In order for conflict to arise, there have to be two offending parties. When I serve as a mediator, I often ask both parties to step back and do the following:
*Examine how their actions (or lack of actions) lead to the quarrel.
*Recognize how individually they both could have communicated differently
*Remember they cannot control or correct the other person, but they can control their own future steps and actions
*Pray God will help them see where the sin of two broken people living in a fallen world almost destroyed a relationship and pray God heals and reconciles the relationship.
STEP 5: KEEP THE QUARREL CIRCLE SMALL
Matthew 18:15-17 NIV “‘If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
If you’re telling your hurt to everyone around you but excluding having the difficult conversation with the person involved, you’re sinning. While it is wise to seek Biblical counsel from others, the Bible outlines the steps you should take in doing so. If someone brings their drama to you without involving the other person, stop them from sharing it with you until you can serve as a mediator with all parties involved.
STEP 6; EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES
James 4:11-12 NIV, “‘Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?’”
We don’t know God’s big picture or why He allows things to happen. He was wise to not give us the authority to judge the actions of others.
More often than not in conflict resolution I find the criticism or judgement people are passing on others stems from selfish motives. They may be fully justified in feeling hurt, but when I allow them to share their story with me before involving another party, I realize they really don’t want to seek reconciliation. The primary reason they are sharing their side of the story is to make themselves look good and to put the other person in a bad light.
In conflict, always examine to see where the motive of the offended party lies. Often in criticizing someone the motive is jealousy, selfish ambition, rivalry, pride, or hatred. When the heart is in the wrong spot, healing cannot begin.
DEAR JESUS,
I acknowledge I cannot control the actions and feelings of others, but I know you have the power to soften hearts and bring reconciliation. For all those living in hurt, anger, and brokenness right now, I ask that you cover them with understanding, love, and the spirit of reconciliation. Help rid hearts of pride and selfish ambition and instead fill them with a desire to simply bring glory and honor to You.
Amen.