“We marry our opposite and spend the rest of our life trying to change them. Who else can relate to that statement?”
As I was teaching a workshop centered on personalities at a teacher in-service training this week, I asked the room that question. Heads nodded up and down and hands went up in agreement. I may have even heard a few “Amens!”
In the movie Frozen, there’s a scene where Christoph has taken Anna to see if the trolls can help her.
If you’ve never seen the movie, Christoph has realized by this point he is in love with Anna, but she is engaged to someone else. Through miscommunication, the trolls think the duo are going to get married. In the scene they begin singing the song “Fixer Upper”.
“We’re not saying you can change her, ’cause people don’t really change. We’re only saying that love’s a force that’s powerful and strange. People make bad choices if they’re mad, or scared, or stressed. Throw a little love their way (throw a little love their way), and you’ll bring out their best. True love brings out their best!”
That’s my favorite part of the entire movie. There is so much wisdom in that verse of the song.
My husband is a bit of a fixer upper … but so am I.
If you’ve never attended my personality workshop, it centers around Trent and Smalley’s book “The 2 Sides of Love.” The duo break personalities down into four types and liken them to animals. I am a Beaver Retriever. My husband is an Otter Retriever.
When it comes to organization, spending money, having fun, being spontaneous, approaching work projects, and even procrastinating on tasks … we are polar opposites. When the strengths of our personalities are in check, we make a solid team because of our difference. But we have also learned over time that our strengths become weaknesses when they’re taken to the extreme. In those moments, problems ensue.
Earlier this week we discussed our plans together. I would be gone for four days at a conference. He would not join me. I mapped out all of the things I planned to do outside of the conference hours. Like any good Beaver does, I had a plan, and I was checking things off my list.
As I pulled into a parking lot to quickly eat a fast food dinner before changing clothes to go work on a different task, I accomplished the next thing on my list … ✅ Call Kiddo.
“Guess what Mommy! We are 30 minutes away from your hotel,” she said excitedly. “We are coming to surprise you.”
I should’ve been over the moon excited. I should’ve jumped up and down. I didn’t.
“I wish I would’ve known that. I just bought dinner and told another group of people I was headed there way for something. Now I have to change all that,” I said in frustration.
I was so stuck on the fact that plans had changed, that the rest of the evening wasn’t nearly as pleasant as it could have been. My plans had been ruined. My checklist thrown out the window. And did the duo coming to surprise me have any other plans on their agenda? Nope. Surprising mommy just sounded fun.
“I hate surprises!” I thought as I hung up the phone.
Then I realized how stupid I was being. My Beaver strengths were becoming weaknesses as they mixed with my husband’s Otter strengths. As I pondered that early this morning, I reflected on three things I learned from my husband’s personality in the last 12 hours.
1. Enjoy Spontaneity
My family of Otters loves to live on the edge. They don’t make plans. They wake up and focus on what sounds fun today. They tackle projects that need tackled, but they have no problems deviating from plans.
The reality is, it drives me nuts. I wish we knew on the first of each month what we were doing for the next 30 days. I don’t enjoy being spontaneous. I love living by agendas and clocks.
But the best memories we make are usually in the ones where I learn to go along with their spontaneity. Last night I planned to be working. Instead I hiked with my family to a waterfall. They are much better at just enjoying life than I am.
2. People Over Projects
A workaholic to the extreme, my family has suffered most of my life as I have prioritized projects over people. There are a lot of good things that have come from that. Our home, our savings account, our vacations … all were paid for by my dedication to a career.
But the divorce that almost happened, the missed memories with my kiddo, and the pure exhaustion that makes me less than the best version of myself most days after work all point out how my husband’s deep need to put people over projects brings balance to our life together.
3. More Than Money
“All of those things cost money,” I said, as my daughter enthusiastically handed me the list of brochures she has picked out from the hotel lobby of the things she wanted to go do.
“It’s okay mommy, we will have fun doing them,” she replied.
I’m the budget conscious control freak who never wants to spend money. My daughter thinks there’s a money tree that magically appears, and my husband understands the concept of a budget, but prefers to live in the moment (see point 1 above).
Sometimes I have to remember the whole purpose for working is not to pay bills and save for the future. It’s okay to go off budget to make memories.
If my husband was writing this, I would hope he would reflect the exact opposite for each thing above. The reality is, we need both of us to make it. Without plans and budgets, nothing would ever get accomplished and bills couldn’t be paid. We have to keep each other in check. He brings the fun and flexibility … I bring the organization and structure. In the end, we make it work.
When my frustration of not being able to be busy as a beaver 🦫 flares up because his otter 🦦 has shown up to play, I have to remind myself, “We are different animals … and that’s okay.”
Simultaneously, when my beaver 🦫 needs for structure and tidiness reach a breaking point with his otter needs that are anything but that, he surprises me by cleaning the house. Okay … maybe I do like surprises. 😉
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