Do you ever look at your social media newsfeed and think, “Wow, I want a marriage just like their marriage?”
I used to believe everything on social media was as great as it appeared. Then my own marriage went through a rough spot. My husband was the last to know how unhappy I had become. In fact, it wasn’t until the third week of our marriage class that he realized the extent of my unhappiness.
It wasn’t until a few months later, as we continued the class, that I realized the root of most of my unhappiness wasn’t coming from my husband … it started with me. I had just found ways to blame all of it on him over the years.
I thought our biggest problem could be summed up in these words, “We had gotten so good at sweeping conflict under the rug that it led to mistrust and resentment.”
But there was more.
The last few weeks, as I have looked at my social media newsfeeds, I have seen people in similar situations. Marriages that once looked prosperous to the outside world have fallen apart, or their appearance now seems to reflect an impending doom.
It doesn’t have to.
This summer marks a year since I talked to a friend about getting a divorce. He told me the best advice I would get until God really intervened with better counselors. He said, “Your husband doesn’t sound like a bad man, and you have a child to consider. My suggestion is you work on it and figure out how to stay together for her.”
He was right.
Marriage starts out like the beginning of a fairytale. After a euphoric year or two of dating, typically seeing only the best in one another, you make the decision to become one. You are the center of attention on that day. Dressed in your best, surrounded by those who love you, you seem to have all of your hopes and dreams before you.
You say the words, “For better or for worse … until death do us part.”
But marriage is also the union of two imperfect and broken sinners whose selfish desires and often unrealistic expectations create problems.
One word in that sentence is stronger than all the others … union.
Genesis 2:24 reads, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Unfortunately, divorce statistics show most don’t believe the vows said on their wedding day. Society teaches us, when it gets tough, find someone else. When it gets tough there, jump again.
A pastor once said, “If you really don’t plan to honor your wedding vows, maybe you should stand before God and say instead … ‘Until adulatory, pornography, hurt words, financial woes, pride, selfishness, and other sins tear us apart.’”
It’s not as romantic or sexy as the vows we traditionally take before God, but why not be honest from the get go?
You made a commitment when you got married to become one with your spouse … to complete your spouse. Separation and divorce literally tear apart oneness. It’s why it hurts so deeply.
God designed our spouse to complete us. He blessed us with children to love and nurture together. But as a society, we have taken God out of our marriages and families … and it shows.
As we went through our marriage counseling and 16 week class, a few things really resonated with me.
1. Start Dating Again
We spent 16 weeks intentionally and intensely working on our marriage. It was the first time in nearly a decade of unity that we had made time for ourselves to do just that. In doing so, we found each other again.
2. Don’t Add the “D” Word to Your Kid’s Vocabulary
Your kids are learning about love and relationships from you. Our choice to give up when times get hard is often a reflection of what we saw our parents or friends do. Take away “divorce” from your children’s vocabulary and be an example of how you can work through anything.
3. Hollywood Romance isn’t Real Love
Hollywood makes us believe love is easy. It captures the magical moments that happen at the beginning of any relationship and make us believe we should have those for the rest of our lives.
But that isn’t real love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 gives an amazing definition of God’s view of love (check it out).
The best definition I heard outside of that is love is a choice. It is a choice to stay together in the tough times. It is a choice to forgive the hurt. It is a choice to fight for oneness. It is a choice to love when the world says leave. It is saying, “I choose you forever … even on the days I don’t want to.”
Hollywood doesn’t depict that because that doesn’t sell movie tickets. But that keeps families together. That makes it to the milestone anniversaries. That makes holidays around one family table instead of multiple. It’s a choice!
4. Find the Positives
When you subtract contempt and add respect into your marriage, you will be amazed how things turn around.
Matthew 7:3-5 reads, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
I had become good over a decade of finding the things that annoyed me about my husband and ignoring my own faults. I seldom shared them with him. The problem was, I got so good at it, that I stopped looking for all the good he did.
To ensure this doesn’t happen again, we regularly “Share Withholdings”. We communicate the things that annoy us about one another and share the things that inspire us (even the little things).
5. Be Vulnerable and Humble
Your spouse is the closest you’ll ever get to God’s love on earth. Your spouse knows your flaws better than anyone. But you have to be willing to let them in. You must both accept brokenness. Don’t build walls, hide behind your pride, put up a front of protection, and blame others for who you are. Be you.
6. Offer Forgiveness & Grace
If you can turn to God and ask him to forgive you of your sins and accept the forgiveness, then you have no right to do anything less for your spouse. God doesn’t weight sin, and neither should you. Sin is sin. We are all broken people.
The day my husband and I both made the choice to say “I’m all in…” was the day we also agreed to forgive one another for all past hurts, show grace, and recommit to our marriage by always offering forgiveness and grace.
7. Don’t Keep Score
Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. You both have to give 100% of yourselves. Your husband doesn’t owe you anything because you mowed the yard this week. You don’t owe your husband anything because you always do the dishes and the laundry. Keeping score will kill your marriage.
I used to be the world’s worst at keeping score instead of communicating where I needed help. Things changed when I realized the only person I was hurting by doing that was myself.
Sometimes I’m exhausted and he picks up more of the slack around the house. Sometimes he needs a break, and I pick up more. But we no longer keep score of when that happens. The same is true with our finances. We just chip in and work together as a family to make life work together.
8. Check Your Friendships
I strongly encourage you to keep friends of the same sex. It’s so easy when times get tough to turn to your friends of the opposite sex and find a comfort there that should only be found in your spouse. This is perhaps the most damaging thing you can do to your relationship, and I believe one of the reasons so many marriages today collapse.
After going through our marriage class, my husband and I cleansed our phones. There were women who used to call him regularly for advice and help. He redirected them to call me because he knew it bothered me. There were male friendships I had to end because I’d been guilty of finding happiness and confiding where I shouldn’t have.
We had open conversations about how we felt. We had been blessed that during the process, God surrounded us with a support group of Christian friends who helped us through all of it. Those friends remain rocks we still turn to for Biblical guidance when times get tough.
9. Let Your Spouse Be Your Mirror
We are all selfish. We all want what makes us happy. We all have sins we need help overcoming. Since your spouse knows all your flaws (or should if you’re growing together in oneness), ask him or her to help you overcome them.
Make a commitment to saying no to your selfish instincts and desires and start serving your spouse.
I suffer with the sin of “pride”. My husband has full authority to look me in the eye when my pride is getting in the way and say, “Checked your pride lately?”
He’s the mirror that can see when my reflection needs some polishing. I now love him more in the moments when he helps polish me, and we work on growing better together, than I did when we first got married.
Do I still have romantic butterflies and gushing thoughts like I did when we first started dating? Nope. But I don’t ever want those again. I want a partner I can grow with in what God has designed as a perfect union.
10. Put God at the Center
None of the above mentioned things are possible without the most important one … God has to be at the center of your marriage.
After 11 months of commitment to putting God at the center of our lives, our marriage is stronger than it was on the day we said “I do” a decade ago.
No matter what has caused strife in your marriage … or even separation, with God’s help, it is possible to restore what was once strong if you really want to restore it. It’s not easy, but it is so worth it.