More than a decade ago I took a class called “Leadership from the Heart”. Part of the class involved identifying one thing in your life that held you back and then making a commitment to “break through it”.
Symbolically, each class participant wrote our area of struggle on the front of a board. On the back of the board, we wrote what life would be like once we broke through. Then we literally broke the boards.
My board has been in my nightstand since then. Periodically, I pull it out and smile at the fact that I actually broke the board. But early this morning, I pulled it out for an entirely different reason.
First, I still struggle with perfectionism. Its roots run deep into parts of my past I haven’t figured out how to let go of, and so I still let them control me.
Sometimes I recognize my old friend perfectionism before I allow it to become destructive. Other times, I recognize it only after it’s big ugly negative consequences are staring me in the face. Usually, I have to take a timeout and then later apologize to those who were caught in the midst of the “Tina-Tornado” that blew through from my (unrealistic) unmet expectations.
During the timeout, I have learned to draw a circle around myself and ask, “What did I do that contributed to this situation, and how can I change how I feel and how I reacted in the future?”
As a leader, that’s been a huge area of growth for me. I’m still not perfect by any means, and let’s face it, I won’t ever be on earth. As I type this, I can literally reflect on way too many times my own personal conflict has created problems for others.
I’m struggling right now handling a situation where things went less than perfect. Lucky for me, I wasn’t directly involved. Unlucky for me, several people I care deeply about were.
As I was discussing it with someone this week, words similar to, “I can make my area perfect, but I have no control over making their area perfect” were shared.
I’ve prayed about that statement. I’ve prayed for guidance. And then this morning it hit me. The reason the statement bothered me was it went directly back to my broken board and the reality that perfectionism isn’t attainable. Perfectionism is an illusion we hide behind out of pride, and it blocks us from being able to improve and to help others improve.
I teach a personalities class. One of the things I teach is how certain personality combinations are more damaging than others. The most damaging is the personality combination that wants everything done right now and everything done perfectly. It would be an amazing world if that was possible, but it isn’t.
And that’s the problem with perfectionism, it creates standards that are humanly impossible for anyone to meet.
**** Romans 12:3 ****
For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.
****
Those of us who struggle with the need to be perfect often don’t realize that need causes great problems.
- It causes anger.
- It separates us from others.
- It steals our joy.
- It causes hurt.
We allow the inner-critics inside of us to ruthlessly control us because deep down we have an endless need for approval. We don’t realize that need makes us a slave to an unrealistic and truly unattainable standard.
So how do we let it go?
For me, that answer came when for the first time in my life, I was truly knocked off of my high horse and shown true grace and forgiveness.
Through that, I also learned humility. I learned the need to be vulnerable. I also claimed a Bible verse to remind me of my purpose.
**** Galatians 1:10 ****
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
****
There’s a lot of power in those words.
Our life is not about winning the approval of others. That is a race we will never win. Instead, our life is about serving God and living a life that empowers others to see Him in us.
We can’t do that when we hold onto a need for perfectionism at all costs. Because when we do, perfectionism leads us to do things that can totally destroy relationships (see above).
Don’t get me wrong. I am still driven to win, but I will no longer be driven to win at the cost of others. I have had to redefine what wins look like. At the end of the day, if I can look back and say every person I met I extended love to and I humbly helped grow or find their own success, it’s a win, even if the results weren’t what I had expected.
Not every day is a win. But that’s my new goal.
Now, instead of putting on a coat of perfectionism each morning, I’ve picked a different outfit.
**** Colossians 3:12 ****
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
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I have help with this. I have asked those closest to me to simply call me out on it when they see pride of any kind (including perfectionism) to simply say, “Checked your pride lately?”
Mistakes happen. Through them, God shapes our character. Through them we allow His healing power to be shown.
If we hold onto perfectionism, not only are we holding our hearts trapped by anger and disappointment, but we are also cheating ourselves out of the opportunity to allow our character to change and grow more like Christ.
