Have you ever finished a lesson and sat back and thought “Wow”? 👀
That was me yesterday as I worked on our lesson for ReEngage. This week we are studying how expectations impact relationships.
In every relationship you have, there are unmet expectations. Sometimes you recognize them as the center of your anger, hurt, withdrawal, or resentment. Sometimes you don’t.
In your marriage relationship, you may or may not recognize that you’re also the greatest source of your spouse’s unmet expectations.
But is it your job to meet their expectations? Is it their job to meet your expectations?
Spoiler alert … the answer is no.
God never intended you to find your life, joy, and fulfillment in things of this world. He intended you to address them through Him.
Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Too often we search for comfort, peace, joy, security, love, connection, approval, admiration, comfort (… the list can be long) through our relationships. We think it is our spouse’s job to satisfy those needs, so we set expectations in our mind of how they should meet them.
Then something happens. They don’t meet them.
Unmet expectations are our deferred hopes. They lead to a spiral of negative responses that should better be defined as “premeditated resentments” towards our spouse. In doing so, they cause us to believe the worst about each other.
So how do you fix it?
You have to recognize your unmet expectations in others are a worship problem within you. Each expectation you have is an arrow to the idols you have put before God.
Do you depend on your spouse, your job, your kids, your friends, your material objects, to provide…
- Security
- Peace
- Joy
- Comfort
- Happiness
- <Other>
If you depend on them and haven’t yet realized it, they make lousy saviors. But God doesn’t.
God knows the plan He has for your life. He knows the big picture. He may not answer on your timeframe, but He never disappoints. He knows the true desires of your heart.
So make a list of the unmet expectations in your relationships. Then evaluate them to determine the sin inside of them. What idols on earth have you placed before God and projected onto others to fulfill your needs, hopes, and desires?
Ask yourself, “What do I want?” as you make your list. Then recognize you’ve been asking the wrong question all along. Follow that with, “What does God want?”
Ask the same question as you work to be an amazing partner for your spouse. You weren’t designed to meet their expectations, but God did bless you with a marriage. Ask God to guide and lead you towards being the best spouse you can be. Ask him what He wants for your marriage.
When there are unmet expectations:
1. Search Your Heart
Find the arrows to your idols.
2. Serve Your Spouse
Resentment shrinks when you’re serving. Offer forgiveness, show humility, and bear the burdens of life together.
3. Share Your Expectations
Share them as a way to grow together in love through serving their needs, but recognize together that expectations should never be a condition of your love.
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
1 Corinthians 3:7
Click here to watch the full video.
