What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever fought over? Chances are, it won’t take you long to come up with a list of silly things.
Conflict is normal in all relationships, and it’s needed at times. But do you really understand where the source of conflict in your life is coming from?
It is simpler than you think, but it is rooted in a deeper place than you might realize.
Conflict comes from the war within you, not from the person you are fighting with. When your personal desires aren’t met, conflict occurs.
Lust is defined as anything you have an over desire for in your life. Conflict comes from lust. Lust for respect, power, control, and intimacy are just a few of the things people covet that can lead to conflict in relationships.
When the desires of our heart aren’t met, we condemn the person we are fighting with until we get our way.
Think about the following natural responses to conflict:
- Defensive
- Withdrawn
- Apathetic
- Accusatory
- Angry
- Hurt
- Irritated
- Critical
They are all driven by our internal desires. Those desires you’re defending are offending to God.
Our internal desires become idols in our lives. An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. An idol is something we pursue in place of God to meet those needs.
Maybe those desires come from the need for a connection with someone else that is broken. Maybe those desires stem from the need to feel successful. Wherever they come from, the desires aren’t rooted in the right place.
As Christians, we are called to love one another, not to fight with one another.
So the next time you feel a conflict coming on, take a time out and ask yourself:
1. What’s my motive for fighting?
2. What am I defending?
3. Is my main desire to honor God and be a blessing, or am I misdirected in my intentions?
Remember, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. In moments of conflict, humble yourself before God, and then humble yourself before the person you’re in conflict with.
Examples:
“God, you didn’t call me to change my friend. You didn’t create my friend to make me happy. Help me to love my friend in a way that honors you.”
“God, I have turned away from honoring you and serving my family by looking at the wrong things to define my success. Please help me fix my focus and love those I have hurt in a way that honors you.”
James 4:1-3 asks us, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”
When we are focused on the wrong things in our personal lives, we tend to dwell on disappointment instead of focus on blessings. But when we let our heart focus on what truly matters, disappointment no longer controls our lives.
Matthew 15:19 reminds us, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”
Control your heart, for it is the wellspring of your thoughts, your words, and your actions. Recognize your self-righteousness in conflicts and stop criticizing, condemning, and picking apart those you care about.
“It’s not your place to play self-righteous judge in the mini-kingdom you’ve established. Only God has the right to judge.”
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